In the Contemplation of Life and Twinkies

I get amazingly varied comments when I tell people that I like Twinkies, especially frozen Twinkies. My wife refuses to buy them for me, my friends and neighbors shun me, and my doctor beats me up. Today, when I bought my two boxes, the grocery store checkout asked me how many kids I had. I smiled to tell her when I noticed that it was the Twinkies that prompted her to ask the question. She assumed I had kids whom I was buying the Twinkies for. When I said they were for me she could barely contain her surprise and confusion. There are a few situations in my life where it would be much easier to explain myself if I had a toddler running around at my knees: going to a G-rated cartoon movie; playing with Lego's, and buying Twinkies. For some reason each of these seem inappropriate or even creepy unless there is a kid around.

Let me attempt to explain Twinkies to you: they are shallow and simple and a welcome vacation from the opposite. Some days I am studying "Advanced Thought Particles" and the History of Ancient Chinese Philosophy and how it compares to the writings of the Jewish thinker Maimonedes in the 13th century. Some days I am dealing with near death hospital experiences, surgeries, and communication issues that could destroy marriages and relationships with grown children and their parents. Sometimes I am making decisions that cost jobs, change work flow, start or kill new businesses, and investing tens of thousands of dollars in one direction or another. And sometimes I just eat a Twinkie.

To me, Twinkies are like a mini Harley-Davidson motorcycle; they are rebellious. Every time I get the sugar rush from the "cream-filled sponge cake" I am making a statement of defiance, of standing against "The Man!" Twinkies are a dirty, delicious secret that won't destroy my marriage, won't kill me financially, and I can't find a "Thou shalt not partake of cream-filled sponge cake" in the Bible anywhere.

So as I pull the clear wrapper off my Twinkie let me give you some Twinkisms (A Twinkism is a shallow and simple contemplation of life while chewing an authentic Hostess Twinkie).

- Shouldn't Allstate change its name if its disclaimer states "not available in all States"?
- If pro is the opposite of con, then shouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
- If a kid refuses to take a nap can he be charged with resisting a rest?
- How did Tonto feel when his partner was called the Lone Ranger?
- If ghosts can walk through walls why don't they fall through floors?
- How fast do hotcakes sell, really?
- Do Chinese people have tattoos in English?
- Is there an interstate highway in Hawaii?

Boy that was good, sugar rush coming, and time to get back to real life. Enjoy it.