Insurance (Get Ready for my latest Soapbox)

I don’t believe in insurance. I think owning insurance of any kind is unbiblical and probably of the devil. I can see Satan rubbing his hands together and smiling that his plan to usurp faith and honesty is working: INSURANCE!

After all, isn’t that basically what insurance is? Isn’t, at its basic level, insurance a hedge against people lying, cheating, stealing and/or not taking responsibility for their actions?

Car insurance is for people who won’t pay for an accident they caused OR for those who won’t admit it was their fault and pay for the other’s damage.

Life insurance is for people who don’t build a savings or can’t manage their money well enough to take care of their bills and/or their loved ones after they die.

House insurance is for people who don’t want the responsibility of carrying the debt of a house YOU AGREED TO PAY OFF after it is damaged or destroyed.

Health insurance is for people who don’t want to take care of their family, friends, or church brothers and sisters.

The cost of insurance continues to go up and up because of the same reasons people get insurance any way. People who won’t admit it was their fault make EVERYONE’S insurance go up. People who sue doctors for mistakes cause the malpractice insurance to go up which causes the price of medicine to go up which causes all health insurance to go up which means you get less in your paycheck for paying your part in insurance which means you get more scared of affording your home or taking care of your kids which means you get more insurance and SO ON!

I prefer a world where people take responsibility for their actions. I prefer a world where people can rely on their church in emergencies instead of insurance agencies. I prefer a world where people have faith in GOD more than insurance.

Frankie and I have not had health insurance for over 20 years now. I believe God has blessed that decision by giving us both good health. For my broken foot and foot surgery I simply went to the doctor and told him that I had no insurance and that I was going to pay cash. He promptly cut his price by two thirds. So did the anesthetist and the surgery center and I paid my responsibilities and THEY LOVED NOT HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE DEVIL.

I can’t tell you not to have insurance. I have Life Insurance, I HAVE TO HAVE car insurance, and I would probably get health insurance if I could afford it; but wouldn’t it be a much better world if people would just quit trying to cheat and avoid responsibilities for their actions?

Let me step off this soapbox now before I hurt myself and have to sue the manufacturer and call my ambulance chasing, most annoyingly advertising, attorney.

The BIGGEST Tax on us.

In this political environment we talk over and over again about taxes. Too much tax, too little tax, this tax and that tax and I find it to be too taxing! But in all this discussion we have neglected the two BIGGEST taxes that are placed on us. They are the same tax but go by two different names. I call them the "FEAR" tax and the "OVERREACTION" tax.

Here is what happens at the airport in Las Vegas where I live, I am sure you can relate to WHATEVER airport if you fly at all:
• I've learned to avoid one taxing line by printing my boarding pass ahead of time and not checking any luggage
• But now I run into a line waiting for security - 1 hour
• One security guard checks my ticket and license or passport - 1 bored employee
• People are pushing and shoving to get to the xray line that is shortest - 30 minutes
• Security Staff are bored, annoyed, demanding and overworked, one just tells me make sure I remove all metal objects, another to make sure my wide shoulders don't touch the sides of the xray and makes me go through again, one watches the scanner with another over her shoulder, one ready to pull me out of line and go through my baggage, and a final one sitting in a booth watching the whole thing. - 1 hour and 6 employees
• I run to the gate to find an unsympathetic uniform closing the door to my flight and telling me I missed it. - 30 minutes and one employee

I just SPENT 3 hours dealing with 8 airport employees and didn't get the item I was promised all in the name of security and peace of mind. Here is what doesn't happen in all of this:
• Security is NOT increased
• Peace of mind is NOT enhanced
• Customer Service is NON existent

We pay this fear tax and over-reaction tax at every airport and bus station. We pay it as we pass through metal detectors at High School football games, museums, and at day care centers. We pay the tax every time we spend money to seek reassurance. We pay it twice when that reassurance actually makes us more anxious and not less. We pay the tax when we try to cover our butt instead of doing the right thing and we pay the tax when we take away someone's dignity because we are afraid.

Instead of security and peace we get over-staffing, over-planning, over-meeting, over analyzing, over-checking and only end up with over-kill, over-zealousness and over-looked scams.

Let's give each other a fear and overreaction tax break.

Hear, Hear, Hear, and Hear

"I hear you!" I say to my wife. "But you don't hear me!" is the reply.

"Did you hear me?" I ask my son as he continues to play and doesn't make a move towards going to bed.

I believe there are four definitions for hearing and it is the play between them that causes a lot of the communication errors in our lives. We hear but we don't hear. So here's my hear definitions and levels of hearing:

To hear at the surface level is to simple have someone's auditory waves go through our ears and into our brain. Often we don't even pay attention to what we hear at this level. We hear but it doesn't "sink in" or it "goes in one ear and out the other" or we simply tune it out as background noise. This is what husbands do during game time when their response is an unintelligible "un-huh."

At the next level of hearing we have what is called "listening." Now this is deeper than the first level of hearing because this involves the engagement of your mind. To get to this level of hearing you want to make eye contact. Husbands and wives, parents and kids need to get the attention of the other person, make eye contact and THEN say what they need to say. The mind is engaged and "thinking about" what it just heard.

The next level of hearing is the level of "understanding." At this level what the other person is saying is not only heard, not only thought about, but now it is understood. "Ah NOW I hear/understand you" we would say. There are many times where I will look into my wife's eyes and hear what she is saying but simply don't understand it. "I don't get it?" or "What does that mean?" is the response or we ask to repeat it again in different words.

The deepest level of hearing is the "heeding" level. Now this is a tricky one because when someone heeds you there is a sense of obedience attached. When I tell my son to go to bed I EXPECT that he heeds me. That not only does he hear my words, not only do the words sink in, and not only does he understand it, but I expect that he heeds me and DOES IT. This is the biblical "HEAR or israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is ONE!" or "I tell you the truth" says Jesus, "whoever HEARS my word and believes in him who sent me has eternal life." (John 5:24)
You can see where the communication problems occur. A son hears but doesn't heed. A spouse understands but doesn't agree so does that mean they REALLY don't understand or they just won't heed? Anybody can talk but many simply don't understand.

That is why OVER communication is asked in most situations. I can say something 5 times as an announcement, it is in the Weekly Newsletter, in the weekly email and still there are those who will say, "I never heard about it? Why didn't you tell me?"

Communication is, yes, speaking clearly but that is only 10%. SAYING SOMETHING that sinks in, is understood and heeded is the rest. Communication is, yes, hearing someone but that is only 10%. Focused attention so that you can understand and heed, if necessary, is the rest.

Do you hear what I am saying?

The Dance of Inanna

Inanna danced into the minds of the Sumerian people. It was harvest time: Inanna's time. The fruitfulness of the year was celebrated by the princes of the land and even the slaves and servants joined in the party. The dance lasted, sometimes, for weeks depending on how much grace Inanna bestowed on her people. She is the goddess of fertility, sex, and ... warfare. She is the goddess of the fever; of the dance.

You know what dance I am talking about? That dance that goes on in your heart and mind between your passions and your reasoning. Inanna is the goddess who stirs your body when you see someone beautiful of the opposite sex. Inanna is the goddess who drives you to just one more drink and everything will be better. Inanna is the goddess who stirs the fever of war, the propaganda, and the passion to fight.

The sister of Inanna in Sumerian/Mesopotamian mythology is Ereshkigal. Ereshkigal is the goddess of the aftermath. While Inanna is the goddess of the fruitful harvest, Ereshkigal is the goddess of the barren fields of winter. Inanna is the goddess of passionate, secret, and illegitimate sex; Ereshkigal is the goddess of guilt in the aftermath. Inanna is the goddess of life and Ereshkigal was relegated to the goddess of the afterlife or underworld.

Yet Inanna was not happy being just the goddess of the college party of life; she wanted more. She went to the underworld to confront her sister who suspected she was up to something. At each gate of the underworld, in order to pass, Inanna was forced to give up some of her jewelry and clothes which was her power until finally she confronted her sister to conquer her but found her drive to control had stripped her of all her power and her sister easily overpowered her. In the myth with Inanna gone the world became fruitless. No crops, no children, no parties. The other gods saw the problem and pleaded with Ereshkigal to release her sister which she agreed to by requiring someone to take her place. While all Inanna's friends mourned for her she found her husband simply reading under a tree and she sent him to the underworld in her place. Yet six months of the year she pines for him and so we have the fall and winter months of unfruitfulness.

While ancient myths are not true they do convey some truths. Guilt and barrenness will follow the mindless caving in to your passions as sure as fall and winter follow summer. The inability of your reason to stop you passion will not only hurt you but hurt those you love.

Too often today we look for remedies for the hangover instead of stopping the drinking; we look for counselors who will tell us to ignore the guilt instead of seeking repentance for the sin and STOPPING the action. We all dance the dance of Inanna. The question is who will lead, who is the stronger: your reason and self discipline or your passion and weaknesses? Your dance, your decision.

Pain and Suffering II

Pain should be considered a POSITIVE thing while suffering should be considered a NEGATIVE thing.

"Pain tells you that you are still alive" yells a Marine buddy of mine, when I complain about my knee. "Pain tells you there is something wrong" says my chiropractic friend, "You don't want to kill the pain, you want to find the source and fix it." CS Lewis tells us that pain is God's megaphone to stop and pay attention to him. So pain is a positive thing when it tells you that you are alive, it gives you a barometer of something wrong that needs to be fixed, and pain tells you to slow down and focus on the important stuff.

Suffering, on the other hand, is a result of injustice, inaction, and just plain SIN in people's lives. Suffering happens as a result of poor/bad choices by people. A few men choose to fly an airplane into a building and people suffer. Choosing alcohol or gambling over responsibility causes suffering in addiction and broken relationships. We all suffer because of OUR bad choices and because of the bad choices of others.

Pain of the heart is good. It promotes growth and maturity when a teenage crush crumbles. It shows compassion and even spurs to action when the pain is caused by the suffering of others. It shows a healthy conscious when pain of the heart is a result of guilt in a wrong you have done.
Suffering of the heart is bad. Suffering of the heart is the damage that the heart experiences in abuse and causes a person to be closed and cold.

My six knees surgeries caused me to walk funny. After a few years of walking funny I developed hip problems and experience a sharp click every time I lift my leg to put on pants. The knee, the walking funny, the hip issue all have now (35 years after my first surgery) led to a bulge on my lower spine which makes me change the way I sleep and how much I lift. Is this pain or suffering?

It's pain because the knee surgeries forced me to leave basketball and focus on other things and those other things put me where I am now.

It's suffering because as a 15 year old in the hospital I didn't deserve what happened to me.

It's pain because as a 50 year old I know I have never been innocent.

It's suffering because I know if I really wanted to work at my rehab I probably could have prevented a few of the surgeries and had less pain now.

It's pain because my heart was broken because I lost something every Indiana farm boy dreams of doing: playing basketball. BUT that broken heart lead to me being a more compassionate and less prideful person.

Pain and suffering go hand in hand and it is hard to separate the two. In YOUR mind and through YOUR pain seek what you can learn, how you can grow, and what you can change. If you do this you can turn suffering into pain, pain into growth, and growth into character.

Al Capone

Al was a used-furniture salesman from New York who was born to Italian immigrants in 1899 and moved to Chicago along with his wife in 1923. His cousin's husband was having problems with a few rowdy neighborhood twentysomethings and asked Al for help after repeated attempt to control them. Al, a devout Roman Catholic, calmly went to these men and shot at least 5 of them dead. His cousin's husband didn't have problems with them anymore. This Italian philosopher said, "you can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."

As a young and fresh new supervisor I sought to befriend all my employees and make my department the best run and most fun place to work in the company. In my OCD way I kept a notebook where I would track the name of the spouse and children of each of my employees and any home issues they were dealing with so that when I went and talked to them I could ask: "How's your wife Jean doing? I remember you said her mom passed away." or "How's little Johnny doing in school?" When there were family emergencies I would allow them to leave early or come in late. I would sit with them on breaks and, together, we would walk back to the department just a few minutes late. This all worked great for about six weeks.

After six weeks I found a surprising amount of family emergencies happening. After six weeks the fifteen minute break was now almost a half hour. After six weeks my fellow supervisors came up to me and told me I had to do something about my department. At first I argued that we were not getting behind and we were getting our work done AND getting it done in less time than other departments AND my people were enjoying their jobs more than the employees in the other departments. That excuse worked until about eight weeks.

At eight weeks began to gently nudge my employees out of the break room. I began to say: "This is the third time your mom has died this month? I don't think I can let you leave early." This didn't stop the flow of undisciplined workers running my department. So I pulled out my gun and shot a few of them.

At a department meeting where I pulled out my 45 and placed it on the table in front of them, I laid down the rules. "I am no longer your friend, I am your boss. I apologize to you that I let it get this far but it is time to crack down on the long breaks, long lunches and absences." Then I picked up the 45 and explained what would happen if they didn't follow the company rules. It took a few shots and one firing for them to know I was serious about our new relationship but after a while I could put my 45 back in my desk drawer.

Why do we do that? Why do we seek to push against the rules until we find the place where someone gets hurt? Why do we take advantage of each other until our relationship breaks? Some crazy psychobabblers will tell you that the problem is not the breaking of the rules but it is the rules themselves. If we didn't have rules then there would be no pain in breaking them. Even an uneducated used-furniture salesman/gangster knew better than that. Now obviously we can go too far, and have, but the balance between vinegar and the honey, kind words and a gun, is what we are looking for. You cannot have one without the other. Honey and kind words alone will lead to anarchy. Vinegar and a gun alone will lead to totalitarianism. BALANCE is what we need to vote for. And as Al said in another famous quote: "Vote early and vote often!"

The GOOD, the BAD, and the UGLY truth

"There is no good or bad," said an acquaintance of mine "There is only actions and non-actions."

"Are you serious?" I asked incredulously. He seemed like such a smart guy.

"Absolutely! You either act or don't act. There is not good or bad involved because what I think is good you may think is bad and vice versa. So all we are left with is actions."

Instead of answering him I simply slapped him across the face - pretty hard. You can guess his reaction.

"So was that a GOOD action or a BAD one?" I asked

"You don't just go around HITTIN' people!" he angrily exclaimed.

I held up my finger in his face and said, "YOU told me there was no good or bad and now you are making a moral judgment that I'm not supposed to hit people?"

He went away, I never saw him again, and I might have to re-evaluate my belief in slap therapy. There IS good and bad so the question is how do you know GOOD from BAD? Let me give you a few hints:
- If it is quick and done "without thinking" then it is probably bad.
- If it is done in secret, it is probably bad.
- If you wouldn't tell your mom about it, it is probably bad.
- If the hurt helps you grow it might be good.
- If the hurt caused anger, resentment, and deep-seated garbage; then it probably is bad. But it may not be the hurt that is bad, it may just be your reaction to the hurt.
- If your "friends" are only friends when the pull you down then they are bad.
- If your "friends" challenge you to be better they're good.
- Thinking ONLY of self is bad.
- Thinking mainly of others is good.
- Considering the world is so lucky to have you around that it should pay you for just breathing: bad.
- Considering yourself indebted to others: good.

Is the major decision you have to make a good one or a bad one? You must do three things to know: Pray then ask good friends what they think; pray while spending time reading the Bible and it will become clearer; Pray while feeing out your heart, what is your heart telling you? if these three agree, go for it. If only two agree keep searching. If you are out of time and you must decide when they don't agree don't do it. I cannot imagine a real scenario where you have to decide and a delay for prayer and decision making will cause harm.

Expose yourself to the good and not the bad. Make good decisions and don't be swayed into bad ones. At the end of your life you will look back and have a sense of joy and peace and that is the goal isn't it?

My Last Nerve

Have you ever heard of "Prince Rupert's Drops"? You should have because they probably have saved your life or the life of one of your loved ones. Rupert, Count Palatine of the Rhine, Duke of Bavaria lived from 1619-1682 and was generally considered a military man. When he retired from war he was an amateur scientist and most of his "discoveries" were really just stolen from true scientists with his better PR. He brought them to the king FIRST and had them published. So you could say he discovered them but he discovered them on the work bench of a competitor.

One of these "discoveries" was a drop of glass which he demonstrated before King Charles II. They looked like simple drops of glass yet when he took a hammer to them they didn't break. Dramatically, he asked a strong looking WWF soldier to pound on it with a bigger hammer, yet it didn't shatter or even crack. Then to even greater PT Barnum-type fanfare he took a simple tweezers and asked all to stand back as he broke the tail of the glass tear-drop and it exploded into a million pieces.

The discovery was something that we, today, call tempered glass. The principle is to take molten glass and quickly cool it in water. So quickly that the surface hardens while the center is still molten. The cooling glass contracts and caused the interior glass to be pressurized at it cools. That pressurized glass becomes amazingly strong and IF it breaks it will shatter into millions of pieces instead of dangerous shards. This has been perfected into the safety glass we all have in our cars, windows, and doors.

Prince Rupert's Drops had one flaw that today's glass has eliminated. The tail on the tear drop was its weakness. You could pound all day on the stress filled drop but a simple snap of the weak-point would cause the whole drop to explode. Kind of sounds like some people I know.
I went to the cubicle of a coworker a number of years ago and remember a bright red poster that said "I'm working on my last nerve and you're standing on it!" A good friend who was the most gentle man you would ever run into was asked a simple question like "how's it going?" and he blew up at the guy in one of the largest displays of anger and release I have ever seen. Pent up stress can do that, all it takes is a little nip at the tail and an explosion occurs.

What we all need are pressure release valves. Do you have yours? A few of mine are working with plants and my lawn outside, a movie, or simply floating in my pool. What are your pressure releases? What keeps the hot molten glass inside you from building pressure until it explodes at its weakest point? Pressure and stress can build strength and make you a stronger person but eventually that will have to be released. Make sure the release is not shattering.

Schadenfreude

I was calmly eating with a friend of mine at a deli-type restaurant and a waitress goes by with a tray full of glasses and coffee cups that she had just bussed from a table. A woman's purse lay in a place that was unexpected and as the waitress rushed past the table she caught the purse. You can guess what happened: the glasses and cups made a loud crash as they broke into a million pieces, the silverware added a light percussion as they bounced, and the cry of surprise seemed to echo in the deli. Everyone heard it and some gasped, some had a direct inhalation of air until they found she was okay, others helped her up, but some, and not just a few, some cheered and applauded.

In a Simpson's episode Ned Flander's business is failing and Lisa has to explain to Homer that he is feeling "schadenfreude" a German word for taking pleasure in the suffering of others. The Broadway show Avenue Q sings of schadenfreude as "me being glad that I am not YOU!" and "Don't you feel all warm and cozy when you see people out in the rain." Homer remarks, "Those Germans have a word for everything!"

Solomon, in Proverbs tells us "Do not gloat when you enemy falls; when he stumbles do not rejoice or the Lord will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from him." We know it is wrong and we often feel guilty about it but there is something in us that celebrates when an enemy falls.

The Greeks had the concept pegged as "epikhairekakos" which means taking pleasure in another's ill fortune. But they also had the opposite but SAME response of "phthonos" when means getting pain from another's GOOD fortune.

Wow ... I just realized that was a broad brush stroke from the Simpsons to Broadway to German to Ancient Hebrew poetry and finally to Ancient Greek philosophy ... all because a waitress dropped her tray. But I think that just proves how prevalent schadenfreude is. EVERYBODY deals with it.

Our nature tends to lift ourselves through denigrating others. We feel better about ourselves because others are worse off. Or we are upset because others have good things happening to them. But we are not animals, we can fight our nature. We can decide to help the waitress. We can decide to rejoice in the good things of others. We can decide to shove schadenfreude to the shelf and live a life of joy not matter the circumstances. We CAN decide. I think it is called fahrvergnuegen ... those Germans have a word for everything.

Emotions and your FACE, Part 2

The six primary emotions of anger, disgust, fear, joy, sadness, and surprise may be a pretty simple way to boil down our emotions. We are much deeper than that and as we grow we learn to control these emotions in various ways. The first way is by controlling the intensity. If you watch a baby you will find an increase in the intensity of emotions for example from concern to anxiety to FEAR to terror. I look at a baby and I see concern in his eyes, as I get closer I can see anxiety as he quickly looks for mom, as I pick him up I begin to see FEAR on his face, and finally when I throw him into the air and catch him you will see genuine terror. (Now, being the observant person I am, I will try to stop at concern by inserting some joy - like candy behind the mom's back). We have intensities in these emotions.

Now look at the six emotions with their mild to extreme intensities and you will find 24 different facial expressions using those 6 as primaries. Look at the picture: Stern to indignation to ANGER to rage. Alert to wonder to SURPRISE and then to shock. All nuances and intensities of the six primaries.

As we get older we gain the nuance of these emotions and attempt to control them but as Dr. Ekman (Lie to me) and Scott McCloud (Making Comics, who drew these emotions) know we cannot really control our emotional facial expressions completely. It will come across as a "strange" look on our face or a insincere smile, etc. What happens is a crossing of these six primaries and when we do, we find even more emotional possibilities based on a combination of FEAR and JOY.

Emotions and your FACE, Part 1

One of my favorite shows currently is "Lie to Me" which is a show about a man who has devoted his life to the study of people's faces and what they can tell you. I have always prided myself on being able to read people's emotions and especially their eyes. There is science behind what scripture calls discernment.

The science of "Lie to Me" is based on the work of Paul Ekman. A real life psychologist who studies this thing. Hard science and hard to understand. I prefer a book by Scott McCloud called "Making Comics" where he does the same thing in comic form. To be able to draw good comics you must understand facial features. According to Scott there are only 6 real emotions, all others are combinations and variations of these six. It is kind of like the primary colors versus a variation of tone or combination of colors that make the difference. Here are his six primaries: Anger, Disgust, Fear, Joy, Sadness, and Surprise.

These six emotions are the primary colors for all emotions that we as humans feel. It doesn't matter where you are from or how old you are. We ALL have these primary emotions.

Now, right now, you might be feelings a little disgust with the things I am saying but most of you don't believe it. You think there are FAR more expressions and emotions than these six. The simple answer is: you're right, there ARE, a LOT more than these six but these are the primary emotions. Each of these can be mixed or give more or less intensity to come up with all the emotions you use every day.

But here's the thing that hit me. Look at the list of emotions again. IF they are the primary emotions can they also be the "elementary" emotions? In other words, are these not what you see in babies who, throughout their growth, learn to control, color, and nuance to the point of masking the true emotion behind it.

When you "read" someone's emotions on their face, what you are doing is looking for the hints of these six primaries. Try to find other primary emotions and next time we will study the intensities of these six to find YOUR face.

Damping the Pendulum

Tire swings play in my memory like a soap bubble too tender to touch or be real but yet you know it's there. I remember one on a huge tree in our yard on the farm. I remember the fear of it coming too close to the ground and the limb looking too fragile for my growing body. Yet I got it swinging: higher and higher. To get it going you must "lean into" the swing at the right time to build momentum upon momentum. I got it going to the point I was level with limb and found the rope going a bit slack as I changed direction. On the extreme end the pressure on the rope became too much and it broke. In slow motion I saw my world come crashing down, I hit the ground and felt my lungs expel all their air. I gulped it all back in short gasps and found my legs still through the hole of the tire.

I remember my kids learning to swing by simply moving their lower legs back and forth and getting frustrated at the low amount of moving. Lean into it: legs, body and all! But don't go too far!

Our life is full of pendulum swings. The most visible now is the political pendulum. It swings every few years from conservative to liberal, from Democrat to Republican and back again. Ever searching for the elusive "swing" vote.

Our love life seems full of pendulum swings from passionate love to passionate hate, from "I don't want you by me" to "I can't get enough of you"; from never leaving the bed to sleeping on the couch. We search for that "balance."

In our work life we love it, we hate it. We get a new boss we love but if we wait around another will come that drives us crazy. We are close to coworkers and then they, or we, move on. The pendulum swings back and forth as we seek balance.

How do we stop it? Do we want to stop it? I find myself playing the role of damper quite often. Dampers are used in tall buildings and in radio towers as a counter weight to cut down on the swing of the towers from high winds. As the tower goes one way, the damper will go the other to counter balance. Maybe because I can see the benefits of both sides and the destructiveness of the extremes of both sides. Maybe it is my middle child syndrome: seeking peace and not conflict. Maybe it is just because of a life lived sensing, seeing, and touching extremes both by mistake and by choice. Maybe it is simply because I enjoy playing "devil's advocate" and taking the opposing view to whoever is in the discussion.

Winds of change will cause the pendulum to swing back and forth. We may be able to put the brakes on it for a while like a child grinding a swing to a halt with worn out tennis shoes but it cannot last. The best we can do is to lean against the crazy to keep BOTH sides from going extreme. Because it is at the EXTREME ends that our world will come crashing down.

Shame

“Shame on you!” I would hear too often when growing up and I would be embarrassed or was I ashamed? Embarrassment and shame are two distinct things yet we tend to use them interchangeably. I like words and I like to find roots of words and their meanings and why we use them.

Shame literally means “to cover up” and its origin is biblical. When Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and discovered “knowledge” of good and evil; they sought to “cover up” themselves in the face of Almighty God. That covering came to be called shame.

Embarrass means to “perplex, or throw into doubt” and it was originally used for the wealthy in France who had so much money they didn’t know what to do with it: “embarrass de richesse.” It is the internal sense of awkwardness or expose’ from something you did or was done to you.

I think the difference between the two can be determined by another word: guilt. I believe embarrassment + guilt = shame.

I have done a LOT of stupid things in my life that embarrassed me. I have been in situations of EXTREME embarrassment through no fault of my own. I remember ripping my pants while bending over, tripping and falling in front of a classroom of merciless teenagers, getting easy problems wrong, asking for dates and being laughed at, or simply making the wrong decision. Each of these, where done to me or done by me, may be embarrassing but not shameful. Not shameful because there was no evil intent behind it, hence no guilt.

I have done some shameful things in my life as well. I have intentionally hurt people, I have said things for the sole purpose of causing pain, I have lied, cheated and stolen. All of these things I am ashamed of. I am more than embarrassed that I, a thinking, logical, moral person have been guilty of hurting others for no reason other than for hurting them; I am guilty; I am ashamed.

In our society today we try to take the guilt out of shame and call it embarrassment when it is something we should be ashamed of. Having a baby and not being married is not embarrassing it is shameful. “Forgetting” to pay your taxes or your house payment is not embarrassing it is shameful. Gossiping and verbally abusing others is not embarrassing when you get caught it is shameful.

Don’t get me wrong, we are all guilty of shameful acts, we all fall short of what we should be but NEVER try to eliminate the shame by calling it what it isn’t. When you are ashamed don’t simply say “THAT was embarrassing” you must LEARN and not do it again. If you don’t learn, if you don’t grow and get better; well, shame on you!

Offensive Words

The most famous nemesis of all time was Professor Moriarty. Star Trek had a Nemesis and so does over 62,000 books at Amazon.com. But do we really know what a nemesis is? I like words. More accurately is like to find the etymology of words: where did they come from? We most commonly use nemesis to mean “archenemy” or something like that but is that what it really means?

Nemesis is a Greek god. The god of divine retribution for the hubris of humanity, she is the implacable executrix of justice. In other words she will whoop on you if you think of yourself more highly than you aught. She is justice without mercy.

So, literally, when you claim to have a nemesis you are saying that you are being justly punished by someone. Not quite what you intended, I’m sure. Unfortunately we don’t think we EVER need divine retribution because we are just not bad enough to deserve it so whenever we feel the sword of Nemesis we consider that person our enemy, even ARCHenemy. I felt the sword of Nemesis in the form of my father’s belt growing up when I was unruly and disobedient. I also felt the sword of Nemesis in my mother’s tears over other childhood wrongs. They were not my enemies; they were loving parents who understood the sword of Nemesis was necessary to raise well-adjusted kids.

Another word that we continue to misuse or adapt to our meaning is the word “holocaust”. I have been studying Jewish Theology and have found that holocaust is an offensive word to most Jews. First, because it is a Greek word, not Hebrew, which means “whole” (holos) “burnt” (kaustos) or completely burnt. It was a Greek word used for sacrificing to pagan gods. It was first used in reference to Jews in 1190 when the fervor of the Crusades caused the mobs to turn against the Jews and massacre tens of thousands of them. Second, because it insinuates a “divine retribution” or a NEEDED sacrifice because of the sins of the people involved. You can see why an informed Jew would rather you call it the Shoah (Hebrew for calamity) rather than the Holocaust. Yet we believe it just means terrible tragedy.

I continue to learn how offensive I am by the words I choose to use. I appreciate more and more the patience and goodwill of those I offend. If we would all just keep learning, keep forgiving, and keep up the patience then we would have no Nemesis and prevent any Holocaust.

Find your Grail

On the internet news was the results from Rome of the World Swimming Championships. It was hyped up because it is the return of Michael Phelps after his suspension and it was hyped because of all the records that are being set because of the new kind of suits the swimmers were wearing. Chances are the records will stay for a long time because as of January 1, 2010 they will no longer be allowed to wear them. Because of the new swimwear “technology” the governing body for Olympic swimwear (whoever they are) decided to set standards in fabrics for swimwear and set standards in how much of the body they must cover. No more will you find swimmers completely covered in the body hugging high-tech Saran-wrap but they will be in Bermuda shorts and Bikini’s. (Okay not really)

Phelps’ nemesis in the 100 Fly is Milorad Cavic from the Czech Republic. They are separated by hundredths of a second in the 50 second race. Cavic told the media that the only way Phelps could beat him was with these new high-tech suits and once the rules were in place Phelps wouldn’t win gold medals anymore. This was the thing Phelps needed to hear for getting fired up in the 100 Fly and so he showed up in the “traditional” dinky speedo which shocked everyone at the pool. In the short races, the ones decided by fractions of a second, it was the suit that made the difference. Cavic was wearing his and so were the other 8 swimmers on the blocks; all but Phelps. You probably already know the outcome; Phelps not only won, he won convincingly AND in a world record.

Motivation made more motion than any technology could have. So often we complain that others have all the advantages: better parents, better schools, better technology, or better location. But the truth is: the REAL deciding factor is NOT parents, schools, tech, or location it is your MOTIVATION. How else to you explain how a “disadvantaged” kid from the inner-city rises to become a judge or owner of a major American corporation? All the disadvantages this world can throw at you can be overcome with the RIGHT motivation.

What is YOUR motivation? What gets you out of bed in the morning even though you don’t have to? What keeps you working longer hours than necessary? What makes you write on napkins with a borrowed pen while in a restaurant? What is your Grail?

In the Broadway musical “Spamalot” the motivation is the Holy Grail but the Holy Grail is defined as that which motivates you.

Life is really up to you, you must choose what to pursue
Set your mind on what to find and there’s nothing you can’t do
So keep right on to the end, you’ll find your goal my friend
You won’t fail – FIND YOUR GRAIL!
(Find your Grail from Spamalot)

When did we get Stupid?

I was driving on the Las Vegas Strip this week, heading home and out of the crazy traffic. While waiting at a stop light I noticed the crosswalk-bridge above the street and it struck me how stupid we Americans are getting.

First, the fact that we had to take the crosswalk off the street and put it up on a million dollar bridge because of the stupid things we do. We try to beat the traffic on the crosswalk or simply ignore the two-ton vehicle bearing down on us and walk in the middle of the traffic. OR we try to use our two-ton vehicle as a weapon and run through yellowish lights because we don’t want to have to wait for the pedestrians. In Las Vegas there are over 100 pedestrian/traffic deaths every year. How stupid is that?

Second, the fact that the crosswalk-bridge has to have a plexi-glass guardrail that is over 8 foot tall is also because of stupid things we do. This guardrail allows us to see the Las Vegas Strip but prevents us from jumping off and killing ourselves. OR it prevents us from throwing things at oncoming traffic besides our bodies like cans of beer or those crazy two-foot tall Margaritas.

When did we get stupid in America?

When did judges quit throwing people out of their court when they brought stupid lawsuits?

When did attorneys quit getting fined for taking stupid cases or have the sense to say “That’s stupid, the judge is going to throw it out and fine you AND me for bringing it up.”

When did people stop taking responsibility for their own actions and start blaming others for spilling hot coffee?

When did our labels on products have to include warnings like the heads of matches are now “non-toxic” for those who eat them. My wife’s curling iron came with the warning “for external use only” and “Warning: this product can burn eyes.” On her hair dryer it says “Do not use in shower!” and “Do not use while sleeping!” On the sunshield I have for my car it says “Do not drive with sunshield in place” and on the toner cartridge I just bought for my printer is says “Warning: do not eat toner!” Isn’t it hilarious to listen to the auctioneer voice reciting all the possible problems with the latest pill to ask your doctor for?

When did we get so stupid?

We all know what happened; we all know that one stupid person did one stupid thing and instead of saying “Boy! That was stupid!” they said “Who can I blame so I don’t look so stupid!” and viola! We have stupid lawyers and stupid laws. We all do stupid things all the time. I, in anger, swung a large hammer at a tractor tire not expecting it to bounce back and hit me in the head. Should I have sued the tire maker? Maybe the hammer maker for not putting a “Warning: Hitting rubber with hammer will cause a bounce back into your stupid head.”

Maybe the problem isn’t that we got stupid. The problem is us not taking responsibility for our stupidity. We should all practice saying: “It’s my fault! I was stupid! I was wrong!” AND we should all start saying: “That’s okay! No harm, no foul. Don’t worry about it, we all do stupid things.” Being a forgiver is much better for you than being a sewer. (Sorry, I mean suer).

Despair.com

Achievement: We acquire strength in what we overcome.

Challenge: The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it.

One of the things that drove me crazy at work was those corny motivational statements plastered all over the break room walls at the factory or office. You know the ones with the great pictures and the inspirational statements below them, meant to get you into a positive attitude about your work. If I was still in the corporate world I would go to this website I’ve found and substitute a few of the corny ones for these from Despair.com.

Cluelessness: There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.

Consulting: If you’re not part of the solution, there’s good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

Effort: Hard work never killed anybody, but it is illegal in some places.

Laziness: Success is a journey not a destinations, so stop running.

Tradition: Just because you’ve always done it that way doesn’t mean that it’s not incredibly stupid.

Sanity: Minds are like parachutes. Just because you’ve lost yours doesn’t mean you can borrow mine.

The TV show Office and the cartoon Dilbert are full of Despair.com quotes and that is what makes them so appealing. It is the anti-motivational message that resonates with people, not the motivational ones. The majority of people relate to failure, while only a few relate to success and a manager standing in front of a cadre of employees spouting clichés becomes the opposite of motivation. At best they become the butt of jokes and youtube videos.

Motivation doesn’t come from outside sources. At best they are reminders of what we have inside but the switch is not going to come from a frequency of posters and clichés. Motivation, the opposite of despair, comes from considering yourself in a constant state of indebtedness. Most people don’t do that. Most people believe the world OWES THEM and doesn’t believe they OWE anything to the world or their God. Second, motivation comes from family. A supportive nurturing family breeds motivated people. And finally, motivation is a decision, not a feeling. Just because you don’t FEEL motivated doesn’t mean you can’t be. DECIDE to be motivated for whatever task you have and you will be motivated.

Motivation: Giving thanks for all, feeling family vibes, and choosing it.

The Weak and the Strong

Who controls relationships? Is it the strong, type A personalities? Is it the older one? Is it the one who has the title? Who controls relationships? I find that it is the weaker person who often controls the relationships. This is counter-intuitive but hear me out on this one.

Isn’t it the weaker that becomes mad and throws a tantrum to get his/her way?

Isn’t it the weaker that becomes upset and pouts to get his/her way?

Isn’t it the weaker that becomes passive aggressive by underhanded yet quiet aggressiveness?

Isn’t it the stronger that calms and speaks of peace?

Isn’t it the stronger that seeks to find out what is wrong and initiates discussion?

Isn’t it the stronger that puts up with underhandedness with an understanding smile of forgiveness?

I find the stronger “giving in” to the weaker because the end isn’t important enough to use any means; because the battle will cause more pain than the wrong outcome. The weak seeks to control by threatening and tearing down while the strong seeks to GIVE by patching, watching over, taking care of, and forgiving.

Ghandi said, “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”

The weak make the mistake to think that forgiving is like a gift that we can bestow on those who have hurt us. “Here, take this!” we say as we hand them our forgiveness. But that is the wrong view of forgiveness, or better: that is a WEAK view of forgiveness.

Martin Luther King Jr. said it best: “Forgiveness is not an occasional act. It is a permanent attitude.”

Considering forgiveness a permanent attitude can only be mastered by the strong. Living forgiveness is a barbell attempted only by the brave. The weak control by tantrums, pouts, and the inability to LIFT forgiveness and LIVE forgiven.

How strong are you?

Sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia

We had finally gotten to Clearwater, Florida after more than a day in our station wagon. The ride had given us a crazy sense of cabin fever cornered with nine people and their luggage in a small space. Car games gave way to bickering hundreds of miles before we arrived so one of the first things we did was stop at a local 7-11 that was close to my grandparent’s Florida home. I ran into the door and filled the biggest cup I could find (there were no Big Gulp’s at the time) and the thickest straw and proceeded to suck down a Watermelon Slurpee. All that cramped up feelings disappeared as fast as the red beverage. My brothers and I forgot our arguing and fights and considered which baseball cards to buy and who would pay for which.

Soon another problem emerged, usually as we made the last slurping sounds with our straws trying to vacuum up the final drops. THEN it hit us all: sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia! Better known as “brain freeze!” The painful headache that comes from something cold spending time on the palate (top part) or your mouth, freezing your nerve endings there and sending painful messages to your brain. Too much, too quick of a good thing causing pain.

Hmm. Do you see an application here? How about:

Gastroesophoganglioneuralgia: Shoving too much good food down your throat cause pain, obesity, diabetes, etc.

UNgastroesophoganglioneuralgia: Causing yourself to NOT eat.

Fearofneighborknockganglioneuralgia: A good neighbor coming over EVERY day, just to talk.

Lotterywinnerganglioneuralgia: Getting A LOT of money too quickly and losing it all in a year which is closely related to:

Spoiledbratganglioneuralgia: Getting everything you want, whenever you want.

Anything good that comes too quickly is not necessarily a good thing. As much as we would all like to be rich and have a lot of money. Most lottery winners will only tell of the pain and heartbreak it caused. We all know what those annoying but cute spoiled brats turn into: Senators! (that was a joke, by the way, okay, maybe not so much).

The corollary to this rule of thumb is that when things are worked at and built up slowly they will last longer and will give you more enjoyment. So ask yourself: Am I sucking at life so hard that I am getting sphenopalatineganglioneuralgia? Or am I building my loves, my life and my self slowly and steadily over time and avoiding the brain freeze?

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

Football season has begun along with all the craziness that is attached to it like the numbers on the player’s backs. I ran into a man and his wife this week who must now begin wearing his Vikings T-shirt and not wash it until the season is done. His wife, of course, complained about the smell and the rattiness of it all but he insists that his beloved Vikings win more games the longer he wears the T-shirt. He says he is sacrificing for the team and showing what a loyal fan his is.

When I played basketball I knew of players who would never change their socks after a win, their lucky socks would stay in there locker or gym bag until there was a loss. That season we went 24-2. There was not a person left in the locker room who could not smell his socks and I still believe we lost our first game after 17 wins because we all wanted him to get rid of those socks. I don’t think his mom washed them, I think she burned and buried them.

We deal with this kind of thinking all the time, wherever we are and whatever we do. The fallacy in Latin is called “post hoc ergo propter hoc” literally translated it means “after this, therefore BECAUSE OF this.”

As a manager I knew a supervisor who seemed to walk into a department and its production went down. It “seemed” like everywhere he was resulted in business going bad. Deep down you knew it was wrong but it just worked out that way. He was fired because no manager wanted to work with him. The fallacy? He walks in and business goes bad, so business goes bad BECAUSE he walked in.

More kids are violent today than 30 years ago. There were no violent video games 30 years ago; therefore: we have more violent kids BECAUSE of violent videos.

More marriages end in divorce today than 50 years ago. There were no swans in Duck Creek 50 years ago; therefore: we have more divorces today BECAUSE there are swans in Duck Creek.

My waistline is expanding. The earth is getting warmer; therefore: my belly is getting bigger BECAUSE of global warming.

We will often turn this around and believe that avoiding the supposed cause with prevent the undesirable occurance. If we can stop global warming I will be skinny again! If we get rid of the swans in Duck Creek we will have few divorces! If we get rid of violent video games we will have less violence in teens! If we want our team to lose (to get a better draft pick for next year) then wash your socks and don’t wear your lucky T-shirt!

Check your reasoning and see if you fall into the pro hoc ergo propter hoc thinking. This can be very serious because this fallacy is where justification for your prejudices comes from. All ______ people do this; therefore: they do this because they are ______. If you fill in the color then you will get a whiff of some smelly socks.