Captain Obvious

Let me give you a list of some of the studies that are being done right now according to Popular Science Magazine:

“Why do teenagers drink?” is a study in the by Prevention Science and what do you think there conclusion is? After years of studying and millions of dollars they have come to the conclusion that teenagers drink to “have fun.”

“Are vacations better without cell phones?” is a study being done by US university professors along with Tel Aviv University. After another million or so they have come to understand that vacations ARE BETTER without cell phones.

“Are un-athletic kids unpopular at school?” is a study in The Journal of Sports Behavior. There conclusions after their million dollars is YES they are more unpopular.

“Do long ambulance drives make you more likely to die?” is a study by Emergency Medicine Journal in September of 2007. YES, they found, in fact you are more likely to die the longer the ambulance ride.

Another study found out that “Loneliness sucks” and still another found that “You can catch the flu more likely in winter” and the king study of them all is that “Sleep will cure sleepiness!”

All of these studies spent millions of dollars and hours of research to tell us what all of us already know. But now “it is quantified and can be quoted” the professors tell us. Okay, it is time I apply for a grant too. Here are a few of my grant funding request ideas:

“How watching Basketball on TV and eating blueberry tort effect my midsection” I propose to sit during the who March Madness and NBA finals season in my Laziboy and eat blueberry tort to see if my midsection grows.

“How vacations effect relaxation” I propose to use the grant money to vacation all year and measure my stress level periodically.

“See if people are really happier with money” I propose to use the $10 million dollars per year of grant money to see if it makes me any happier or not. This might take a few years of research.
What do you think? I should be able to get mine funded with what the government is already funding. Sometimes you just want to give people a V8 bump on the head don’t ya?